"Girlfriend Ad on Craiglist"

Looking for a girlfriend who isn't a PI (private investigator),
or have girlfriends who are PI's as well,
who doesn't have any bad a** kids,
if two or more children must have the same father,
who can hold it down until I find a job,
who is willing to purchase a vehicle for me so I could look for a job,
who would pay my phone bill and willing to go paperless,
who won't nag when I don't come home for days while I'm out hustling,
or nag when I say "I ain't got it",
who can stand outside the grocery store and sell my demo Cd's on weekends from 9-5pm,
and willing to be a co-signer whenever needed.
Please contact 561-123-4567, please do not leave a message, and if I do contact you and sound like a female, hang up and I'll call you back in about 2 hours.