"Girlfriend Ad on Craiglist"

Looking for a girlfriend who isn't a PI (private investigator),
or have girlfriends who are PI's as well,
who doesn't have any bad a** kids,
if two or more children must have the same father,
who can hold it down until I find a job,
who is willing to purchase a vehicle for me so I could look for a job,
who would pay my phone bill and willing to go paperless,
who won't nag when I don't come home for days while I'm out hustling,
or nag when I say "I ain't got it",
who can stand outside the grocery store and sell my demo Cd's on weekends from 9-5pm,
and willing to be a co-signer whenever needed.
Please contact 561-123-4567, please do not leave a message, and if I do contact you and sound like a female, hang up and I'll call you back in about 2 hours.

"Boyfriend Ad on Craiglist"

Looking for a boyfriend who doesn't cheat,
does what I say,
who has a real job,
takes out the trash,
has dinner prepared for me 3 days a week,
who would love my five kids 12 and under,
who has their own car,
who picks up the tab everytime we eat,
who does the laundry,
and walk the dog,
and who isn't bi,
and doesn't have any uncurable STD's,
and must be willing to go through a backround and credit check, thankyou.
Please contact Mercedes Alexis Bentley Washington at 561-123-4567.

"Email Break-Up"

From: Kevin P. <hollatyaboy23@hotmail.com>
To: sexybrown89@yahoo.com
Sent: Mon, January 3, 2011 11:53:23 AM
Subject: Deuces!D

By the time you get this email I'll be long gone out your crazy a** world. But before I do I just wanted to get a few things off my chest. I know you've been wondering for the past few months if I have ever cheated on you. We'll no need to call Maury bit**, the results are in. You asked me, "When I came home late one night, was I really out with some other chick?" Yeah I was, and the reason why I came home so late was because she was teaching a dog new tricks. Next, you wondered was the text messages you saw on my phone was really from my homeboy using my phone to text some of his girls. No, dumba**, it was really Becky, Keisha, and Nicole who I had a threesome with a week ago. And now you can stop acting funny when your home girl come around me because I had some that too. And to your mom's, I bought her some depends so you could put her old a** in a home. And thanks for the down payment on the Impala so I could scoop up my next bit**. Oh, and one more thing I used the money you gave me to pay the light bill to get my sh** out your house. Lights out bit**!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply: Deuces!D

From: sexybrown89@yahoo.com
To: Kevin P. <hollatyaboy23@hotmail.com>

First of all I knew your broke a** wasn't any good anyways. I don't know why I put up with your sorry a** for so long. First of all the reason why I was getting on you so much is so that you can get up off your lazy a** and get a damn job so you can take care of your unborn child. Yes, I'm pregnant! But don't worry, we'll be alright after I cash in my winning lotto ticket that I won yesterday. And just in case your sorry a** try to put me on child support, I'll have my old a** mama cash in for me. And about my homegirl, you might want to get checked out so you can keep that under control. But I'll see you again when I pass you and your bit** in my new Jaguar, bloop,bloop.

"What You Say!"

My son adores me so much.
Just the other day he said to me,
"Mom, did you know your pretty?"
Before I could reply, he blurted out "Pretty ugly!"
What you say!

One day I went apartment hunting with my best friend.
As we sat down with a leasing agent she asked me where
was I currently living. When I told her, she replied that they were their sister apartments.
Then I said to her "Which one was her sister?"
What you say!

When I was working in a dental office, a patient came in for a second treatment.
Before we started the treatment he told the doctor after the first treatment he had gotten
a prostate infection. The doctor replied," The only way you could have gotten an infection there,
if you have been biting on yourself down there".
"What you say!

I was working the evening shift at my hotel, when a guest approached the front desk
and asked "Excuse me, do you know where I can some good mussels" I looked at him,
a little confused and replied "At the gym."
"What you say!

"Envy"

     My definition of a friend is someone who you can share your most inner thoughts with and not worry about anyone finding out. A friend to me is someone you can turn to for advice when things go wrong. A friend to me is someone who is always there for you no matter what and will always have your back. This story is about two friends who grew up practically like sisters. Tiffany was always well liked everywhere she went. Growing up, she was always the most popular girl in school. She joined the cheerleader squad in high school and dated the star player on the football team. Kandis on the other hand was only popular by being the star player on her team. Kandis played every sport that you can think of. And Tiffany was always there to cheer her on. When high school came to an end for them, they decided to apply to the same college. Surprisingly, they both had gotten acceptance's. With Tiffany on a cheerleader scholarship and Kandis on a basketball scholarship, both happily accepted. I wasn't until the first semester of college Tiffany began to notice a change in Kandis. She seem more demanding of her time spent with Tiffany. It had gotten so bad that Tiffany could not have a normal relationship. This caused Tiffany to confide in other friends when she had no one to talk to. One of those friends was a male friend named Austin. Austin and Tiffany became inseparable. He made Tiffany feel very special and always told her how beautiful she was inside and out. This made Kandis very jealous. One day when Kandis was home there was a knock on the  door. It was Austin, hoping to find Tiffany home. He didn't quite feel or look so well. Kandis offered him a glass of water and invited him in. While Austin made himself comfortable, Kandis went in the kitchen to grab a cup of water. As she prepared his drink, she slipped a roofie in his drink. After giving him his drink, Austin began to feel not himself. Kandis began to notice the drug taking affect and began seducing Austin. About an hour later Austin woke up confused and unsure of what happened. Austin excused himself and asked Kandis to let Tiffany know that he had stopped by. When Tiffany finally arrived home later that day, Kandis informed her that Austin stopped by and was not quite feeling like himself. Kandis down and began to cry. Tiffany asked her what was wrong? Kandis began to explain that she met Austin in a support group that she joined, and he was HIV positive.                                                                                

"A Mothers's Choice"

     It was a normal day for Denise until she received a phone call that everyone woman feared. Dr. Stevens confirming that the tumor they discovered was cancerous. Suddenly, the whole world around her seemed to stop at that moment. She began to think about questions, questions she had no answer to. And reasons, reasons that she did not understand why this was happening to her. As she sat down with her family during dinner, she started to wonder how would her family, who depended on her so dearly, survive without her. She eventually sat down with her family and told them the horrible news. Her kids were too young to understand and her husband who adored her tried his best to make sure each day counted. As days and months passed, Denise became more and more ill. In and out the hospital, it wasn't easy for her to be away from her kids. Denise decided to hire a live in nurse named Heidi. There were days when Denise could not get out of bed to see off her kids as they went to school, or her husband when he left to work. Hedi went above and beyond to make sure her family was well taken care of. One night as her family was sleeping Denise woke up in the middle of the night and walked to the guest room where Heidi slept. As Denise cracked opened the door, Heidi woke up startled. Thinking something was terribly wrong, Denise assured her that everything was o.k. and that she just wanted to discuss something with her. As she sat down at the edge of her bed, she began to think her for everything she has done for her and her family. Then she asked her something that would be hard for a mother or wife to ask. She asked Heidi if she would have her husband so when she was gone, she would die knowing her family would be with someone cared for them and loved them very much. Denise began to break down in tears. As Heidi reached out to comfort Denise she began to explained that there was nothing more she wanted than to just see her happy. And she too lost someone dear to her as well to cancer. Crying, Heidi willingly accepted. The next day Denise told her husband. He at first did not take the news to kindly, but he knew that it was something that she really wanted. Weeks later, Denise got really ill. It was that day she knew, she could not fight any longer. While she laid in bed with everyone at her bed side, there was a knock a the door. Heidi opened the door, and there stood a priest. Heidi welcomed the priest into the home. When the priest walked in, Denise began to explain that the priest was their to perform a ceremony. Denise husband began to cry and explained to her that he could not go through with it at that moment. Denise looked at her husband and began to hug him and gave him one last goodbye kiss. Then she held out his hand so that Heidi could grab it. While the priest performed the ceremony and they said their I do's, and just as they kissed she was gone.